To Wean or Not to Wean...

That is the question... the one that has been clogging my mind for the past three-four weeks. When Matthew was a baby and rather suddenly developed some pretty serious stomach issues at about 4 weeks old, the diagnosis from the pediatrician was pretty clear: He is allergic to Milk Protein. Solution: cut out milk, and all forms of it. Check, done- yet he didn't get any better. Next step: cut out soy; still not better. Cut out Wheat- nope, cut out eggs, nope... Ok there was not much more to cut out... After a month long very strict diet plan that was not working for either of us, the pediatrician had the answer- he needed to be weaned and put on a hypo-allergenic (and UBER expensive) formula. Within 48 hours he was like a whole new baby, and while I hated to wean him- I knew I was doing what was best for him, and he turned out to be a thriving baby, and a super healthy, super wonderful 3 year old with no food allergies at all.

Fast forward three years... Abigail is born, and in the back of my head I know- there is a chance (40% according to the allergist) that she will develop the same issues. So I watched my diet (ok, sort of- I never gave up the opportunity for a yummy ice cream!) and meticulously checked every single diaper in search of the ominous blood that was the sure sign that she was indeed suffering the same problem. 4 weeks- clean, a glimmer of hope. 6 weeks- clean, perhaps we are in the clear? 8 weeks- clean... feeling optimistic now. But then at 9 weeks- boom, just as suddenly as hit Matthew- it hit, I woke up Monday morning, changed a diaper- inspected it with my great thoroughness- and there it was- the tiny speck of blood. A speck so small I almost thought I imagined it. But alas the second diaper of the day revealed even more blood, and the third and the fourth... It was pretty clear what we were dealing with... A quick chat with the pediatrician assured me that I needed to do what I knew I needed to do... Bye bye milk.... After a week on my milk free diet Abby began to show some improvement... and now a month later she is still doing well on the milk free diet- so yay!

So why the question of weaning? well- perhaps I am being selfish, or perhaps I am just being overly cautious for the health of our daughter. A milk free diet, doesn't just mean cutting out the obvious... milk, cheese, yogurt, ice cream... It means cutting out all forms of milk, and milk protein (whey, casein...) It requires inspecting labels and become well versed in the language of "hidden dairy" knowing what to look for, what is safe to eat, and what is not. For example- most bread- a no-no, most crackers (triscuts, wheat thins, town house....) - a no no, forget about things like candy, oh and anything with vanilla flavoring, and deli meat, and any non-kosher meat, and red wine. It requires thought before purchasing that delicious lemon sorbet that says "may contain trace amounts of milk" or "manufactured on equipment shared with milk" can you take that chance? Is that chance that there may or may not be a minuscule amount of milk worth it- that tiny bit could actually be enough to send my daughter into a few days worth of belly aches and messy diapers. Is it worth it?

Beyond label reading and lots of questions at restaurants (no butter with my toast, please fry my egg in oil or bacon grease...) it requires meticulous record keeping- writing down everything I eat and when I eat it. Writing down every poopy diaper and what it looks like (mucous? blood? nothing?...) So that I can keep track... I eat a sandwich on Monday and she has blood on Tuesday- well it looks like that bread that I forgot to ask about at the deli contained milk after all, back to square one.

For the most part I am handling the diet well- I have become used to sandwiches without cheese and made on a bagel or rice cakes. I have become used to rice milk in my coffee, and I have become especially fond of Trader Joes dark chocolate covered cranberries... a special treat as TJ's uses the good stuff- dark chocolate processed without the addition of milk fat :) I have become used to writing every morsel down, and inspecting every diaper... but occasionally I get jealous... Matthew wants pizza for dinner- oh how I would love a huge slice of greasy cheesy pizza... oh how good that sounds. But I will forgo...

I adore nursing Abby, just as I adored nursing Matthew. Being told I had to wean him was the hardest thing I had faced as a new mother. But in many ways it was easier. I was told that I had to do this to have a healthy son... that's all I needed to hear. Listen, I am all for nursing... but I am even more so for healthy children- and all I want to do is what is best for my children. That's why this decision is so hard. I don't have the doctor saying I need to wean her... I have the doctor saying it is my choice. Am I comfortable continuing this diet? Am I comfortable knowing that even one tiny slip-up, purposeful or accidental could cause her misery? Is she comfortable with the diet- with the occasional accidental slip up that makes her so miserable.. or would she be happier drinking from a bottle but knowing her belly will never hurt. Couuld those occasional slip-ups cause long term damage to her tiny and still developing Gi tract? I have happily nursed her for three months... and have loved every moment of it, every private moment we get where I can look in her eyes and watch her peacefully sucking, enjoying her meal, and slowly drifting off into sleep. It is the only time that I am guaranteed to have only with her, that only we share. But if she stops nursing and starts taking a bottle- won't I still have that bonding time? I certainly did with Matthew- I remember still watching his eyes locking with mine, his smiles between gulps, and the slowly drifting into peaceful sleep. So wouldn't she have the same?

I have not made up my mind yet- I waiver every day, some days I am ready to wean her right now, others I want to give it just one more week, just one more month... Don't know what I'm going to do yet, just take it today I guess, and deal with tomorrow when it comes.